Main Characters: Éowyn
Rating: G
Pairings: Aragorn/Éowyn unrequited
Genre: Drama/Angst
Length: Short Story
Summary: Éowyn, disguising as Dernhelm, prepares to ride to battle with the Rohirrim.
I have decided. I have no other choice but this one. Tomorrow morning, when the Rohirrim ride from Dunharrow, I am riding with them. It is the only way. I have already started preparing for this ride of my own. As I was taking the armour prepared for Meriadoc, the king's esquire, I quickly gathered armour for myself. I was in a hurry, hoping that no one would notice me or see what I was doing. It took more time, however, to find a suitable helmet, for I will need something to cover my face and hide my identity. No one must know, not one, for they would simply send me back here and I would forever be marked as a runaway, disobeying the king's orders. Always I had begged them to let me fight for my king and country, yet always I was refused. War is not a woman's matter, I was always told. "Why can't you just be like the others, Éowyn?" they would ask me, annoyed by my requests. I cannot be like the others, because I am not like them. I can't be what I am not. It is such a simple thing. No one could ever understand the mind of Éowyn, the Shieldmaiden of Rohan. I was always 'too young' and 'too proud' to be taken seriously. But now they will see, now they will see what they have done, they will see that I had been serious indeed in every request I made, every word I spoke. There was once one person who understood me, or so I thought. I gave him my complete trust, my entire self and my heart also, only to lose him as soon as I had found him. Why did you have to leave, Aragorn? Why did you decide to go on this deadly path, taking all our hopes with you and only leaving me behind, my despair to keep me company? How can I be of any help in this war, how can I even know my part in it, when I am constantly left behind to keep watch over the children and secure the food stores? That, I guess, no one will never know. I am leaving tomorrow, and I am going to find my freedom on the battlefield, even at the cost of my own life. That way I will have some peace, finally, and for ever. No more hopeless begging and frequent refusals, no more false hopes, no more grief, no more deaths of those I loved will I have to bear. No, I will be in peace. Forever.
Grim thoughts passed through my mind as I was standing in my tent the morning of the great ride. Everyone was still sleeping, although the sun was about to rise, if it was to rise at all. I got no sleep myself. I had been laying awake all night, trying not to think about the morning. I was, and I still am, extremely nervous. I couldn't help wondering, what if something went wrong? What could go wrong, I would say to myself, no one suspects anything. I had said goodbye to my uncle last evening, the eve of our ride, and I had begged him, one last time, to let me ride with him. I was feeling a sting of guilt, abandoning my post and the duty he had entrusted me with. As always before, I was refused. But I am going, no matter what. I do not want to leave his side. I fear that, if I leave him for but a moment, I will lose him forever, like I lost everyone else. I can't let him go. And I swear I never will. If he falls, I will fall by his side. I love him, my lord, my king, but first of all, my uncle. But he will never know I went. No one will ever know. Their lady Éowyn will disappear without a trace. All they will find on the blood-stained ground will be a nameless soldier, fallen in the dark. A name, I need a name. What will it be? I am starting a new life, I will need a new name. I will think of one. I look into my mirror, then back at my equipment. An idea for my name strikes me as I look at my helmet. Dernhelm. Yes, that will suit me fine. As I start taking off my usual clothes, my thoughts turn to Éomer, but I quickly drive them off my mind. I pull on the woollen hose and shirt all riders wear under their armour. The chain mail I had gathered from the armoury has some missing links, it has obviously been in use before. I wonder who it belonged to. Whoever it was, he was taller than me. The hauberk is long, it covers my knees and the sleeves almost reach my wrists. The leather cuirass is just my size, however, I notice as I lace it up. I put on the riding boots and gloves and strap on my belt and my sword, recalling all the long hours I had spent with it, training back in Edoras. I remember when I first got this sword, from my uncle. It is the same design as his and Éomer's are, as are all the swords from the king's house: the two horses on the guard and a wonderful pommel. Finally, it will see real battle, outside the royal training courts. Whoever crafted this weapon certainly meant for it to be used in combat. The ensuring weight of my sword on my left side helps me to calm down a bit. I can't help but fear being discovered. That must not happen. It would ruin everything. Driven by my despair, I decided to do this. I cannot falter now. I am of the House of Éorl, I am a shieldmaiden, I am riding off to battle, something I was brought up to do. I sigh as I put on my helmet and hide my hair under it. Once again I look into the mirror, but now I do not see myself. I see a young soldier, determined to follow his king to whatever end awaits. Now my disguise is truly complete, for I am hidden even from myself. No, I realize, I am not hidden. I am revealed. Now, for once in my entire life, I truly am myself. Dernhelm the young, faithful beyond fear.
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This fic can be considered movie-verse in terms of Éowyn's armour. For those of you not acquainted with armour and weapon parts: A hauberk is a full shirt of chain- or scale-mail, usually covering the entire body, from the shoulders down to the knees. A cuirass is basically the piece of armour covering the whole torso, often worn over a hauberk. A guard is the part between the blade and the hilt of a sword. A pommel is the part of a sword positioned at the end of the handgrip, used to balance the weapon.